Meditations after miscarriage

This past February I had a month-long miscarriage. I was eight weeks pregnant, and we were so excited to go see the heartbeat. That didn’t happen. It was gut-wrenching.

I could write out all of my worries and fears, but I’m afraid many of you who are reading this post know them all too well.

So instead, I’m going to share with you some meditations of mine that bring me peace and even joy during this difficult and depressing time.

As my pastor often says, we need to stop listening to ourselves (because many times our inner “self-talk” is negative and uncontrolled) and start preaching truth to ourselves. So here you go …

Preach it (to yourself), sister!

(Forewarning, it’s not going to be organized or pretty. I’m going to just dump it all out on you, stream-of-consciousness style).

1. Life on earth is good. Heaven is even better. 
   • “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.” (Psalm 84:10)
   • The Bible says my unborn child isn’t missing out by going straight into the arms of the Father, and I have to trust that. “… to die is gain … (Philippians 1:21-23)”
2. I have no reason to fear or worry about the future. I’m not alone.
   • “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
   • “Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time.  Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
   • “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
3. I’m a child of God (John 1:12) and He is a good father to me.
   • The parent-child parallel between me and God suddenly clicked once I became a mother myself. Caution: I’m about to talk about ‘baby poop’ … My two-year-old son often has problems with constipation. You might not think this sounds like a big deal, but it is very very painful for him. He screams, he shakes, he cries, he bleeds sometimes … and yet he is always asking me for a “cheese stick” (string cheese).  … I say “no” to this request frequently. Not because “cheese sticks” are bad, not because I want him to starve, not because I don’t want him to be happy, but because I love him and want the best for him, and I know these will only make his constipation worse. I’m not saying that I never give him “cheese sticks”—I still buy them—but I wait for the right time. I wait for the days when he has drank plenty of fluids, eaten plenty of fruits and fiber … I don’t give him his beloved “cheese sticks” on the days he’s already eaten a lot of bread. I don’t give them to him if he hasn’t pooped in a while. Not because I’m mean, not because I don’t care, not because I don’t hear his request, but because I love him and I don’t want to see him hurting later on. I’d rather see him cry now with hurt feelings when I say “no,” than to see him crying in physical pain later because he is unable to go to the restroom. I’m not writing this to compare an unborn child to cheese. There is nothing more precious than human life. I’m simply writing this to get the following points across: God is a good father to us. He has good reasons for saying “no.” He has good reasons for telling us to wait. He loves us. His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He has a good plan. I don’t always understand that plan, but still, He asks me to trust. “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:11
     
4. Songs to run to:
   • “I Am Not Alone” by Kari Jobe
     
   • “Trust you, Jesus” by Aaron Keys
     
   • “Perfect Way to Start” by Craig Aven (sent to me by my embryo donors after we received the bad news)
     
5. Keep praying, keep petitioning, don’t stop asking, and don’t lose heart.
   • A must-read about the power of persistence in crying out to God, sent to me by my mom after we received the bad news: http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/a-picture-of-prevailing-prayer
   • This passage was something I really hung onto after the birth of our son, who suffered a lot in the beginning of his life. We begged and pleaded for his healing. I often thought of myself as “beating down the door” of the Great Physician on his behalf. You can read his miraculous story here. Luke 18:1-8: And he (Jesus) told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’” And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them?  I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”
6. No matter how dark the valley, God is there with me. He is MY shepherd. He is my rock. No matter how hard the fall, He sets me back on my feet and gives me a firm place to stand. I can’t help but praise Him.
   • “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:1-4
   • “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:1-3
     
7. When I focus on myself and my circumstances, it is easy to get bitter, scared, and depressed. When I focus on God and His Word, my cup overflows with joy and thankfulness, despite my current circumstances.
   • “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:4-9
     
8. Sermons to listen to (while you’re driving, while you’re getting ready in the morning … find the time. You won’t be disappointed)
   • “God with us” by Rodney Hobbs
     http://www.stonegate-church.com/sermon/joseph-and-jesus-pt4-god-with-us/
   • “God for us” by Rodney Hobbs
     http://www.stonegate-church.com/sermon/joseph-and-jesus-pt6-god-for-us/
   • “The wisdom of God and the why of suffering” by Rodney Hobbs http://www.stonegate-church.com/sermon/joseph-and-jesus-pt-7-the-wisdom-of-god-and-the-why-of-suffering/

Rainbow photo credit: Chris Ford/Flickr
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Looking for children’s books about embryo donation/adoption? I’ve written two and they are available on Amazon. (Made With Love and Treasure Babies work for both donor and recipient families)