Throwing up (my hands to God)

Seat belts save lives! Here are our frozen embryos, all buckled up and on their way to our clinic before my first FET. (Yes, I transported them myself!)

As I head into my fourth frozen embryo transfer (FET) with donor embryos, this thought keeps running through my mind: Getting pregnant is a true miracle; it’s out of my control. (Sometimes that thought is freeing (pressure lifted!), and sometimes it makes me want to throw up (God, can I trust your plan for my life?)

The fact is, my doctor can place the best embryo in the world inside of me, give me top-notch meds, and have me eating pineapple core until the juice shoots out of the acupuncture holes in my skin, and still, he can not give and sustain life within me. Only God can.

So instead of throwing up because of worry and heartache that I’m not yet throwing up due to pregnancy, I’m going to choose every day to throw up my hands to God. It’s all I can do, y’all. I’m at the end of my rope and at the end of myself. This one is yours, God, all yours. Show me, my husband, and everyone praying for us that we serve a faithful, good, merciful father who doesn’t screw over his children—that may sound harsh, but I believe God wants us to be real with Him, and hey, I’m just speaking His word:

(Matthew 7:9-11: “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”)

I had so much confidence in myself that first try: I was healthy, semi-young, wasn’t infertile/had gotten pregnant and had a baby on my own before (we are doing embryo adoption because we found out we carry a genetic disorder that can be devastating and caused my son a lot of suffering in the beginning), we had top-notch embryos, great meds, a great doc, etc. I was sure I’d get pregnant that first time and was already trying to find homes for the rest of those donor embryos that I thought we’d never need.

Now here I am, two biochemical pregnancies and a BFN (big fat negative) later. Still longing, but now, trusting in God and not myself; Seeing my future baby as a miraculous gift from God instead of something that I just naturally had coming to me. What a grace. What a gift.

Y’all, when we are in the middle of the storm, feeling like total nut jobs (did I not drink enough POM juice?) and wondering if we’ll ever see the light again, it’s important to remember that we are still in the middle of the story. It’s not over yet.

(Psalm 42:5: “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.”)
God is writing a beautiful story for my life and yours. I don’t know what that is going to look like, exactly, but I trust it’s going to 1.) Make Him look awesome, and 2.) Turn out better and more lovely than anything I could have written or dreamed up on my own.

I’m gonna go throw up my hands now. Won’t you join me?

I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym for me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From the broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are

But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly

I am full of earth and dirt and You

David Crowder Band, “Wholly Yours”

Looking for children’s books about embryo donation/adoption? Check out my three on Amazon! (Made With Love and Treasure Babies work for both donor and recipient families)


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2 thoughts on “Throwing up (my hands to God)

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